By popular demand, raccoon penis bones are at last available! Get your baculum today, wear it proudly, and be the envy of all your friends!
Seeing as how JT LeRoy and SARAH spread the good word internationally about raccoon penis bones, we’ll let JT tell you more about them himself….
RACCOON PENIS BONE
by JT LeRoy
“Massaging a man’s prostate through his rectum hole is a lot like spinning the fortune wheel in heaven,” Cassiemay says. “Odds are you win.”
She smiles with a sly nod and slides the raccoon penis bone off from around her attenuated neck – which, along with the raccoon penis bone, is a marker of an established and adept lot lizard: a prostitute who works the truck stops. That additional neck length, attained solely by executing disquieting oral deeds in the small confines of cars and truck cabs, looks even longer bare, and she makes an up-yours or deep-anal-probe motion with the bone. “Slip this over it,” she instructs, producing from her sequined panties a plastic thermometer cover – stolen in such quantities by all the local lot lizards that the infirmary now keeps them locked up along with the most transcendental pharmaceuticals. But locks prove futile barriers to a determined lot lizard who knows how to woo a man’s rectum hole with a raccoon penis bone and, thusly, any keys that might happen to be under his charge.
Cassiemay hands me the thermometer slipcover and nods approvingly as I slither it on like a jimmie to the bone that hangs around my own neck.
Cassiemay spits on the plastic covering. “That’s all ya need.” She suddenly grabs my hand, squishes it into a tight fist, and starts violating my fist hole with the bone. “When ya massagin’ work is done, you slide the coon bone out first.” She gracefully pulls out the bone, then gingerly plucks the flaccid thermometer cover out of my balled-up hand. “This ain’t something ya want even to think about after,” she says, tossing the plastic over her shoulder with a wink.
I will now digress from the above anecdote to address what the gosh-darn heck a raccoon penis bone is. A raccoon penis bone is a sexual amulet used in the US South, Midwest, and parts of Appalachia. It can be worn as a necklace, or gamblers will wrap a $20 bill around it, tie it with red thread, and keep it in their pockets for improved fortunes. Folks will sometimes put a raccoon penis bone beneath the bed or between the box spring and mattress so that the man or lady with a strap-on will perform better, longer, stronger, and harder. The lot lizard, to maximize the pleasure whilst vending their wares, will often wear a raccoon penis bone for additional fortitude as well as utilizing the useful physical design of the bone in their trade.
But Are They Real?
Penis bones are moderately common. Foxes, bears, coyotes, walruses, seals, and squirrels are proud owners of them. The largest ones are from walruses and seals and can be as long as a healthy man’s forearm bone. The name for the penis bone among the Aleuts in Alaska is Oosik (pronounced “ou’ sick”). They are employed for making parts of dog sleds and adorned with scrimshaw (decorative carvings). The penis bone of mice and squirrels are minuscule. They don’t signify much.
Raccoon penis bones are most popular as sex charms owing to the fact that, in proportion to the dimensions of the animal, it has the most impressive penis bone. Or to paraphrase in layman’s terms, it’s the best hung.
For the substantially masculine gentleman who does not feel at ease saying the word “penis,” an alternative name for the raccoon bone is the “Spanish bone” (much like the Spanish Fly) or simply “coon bone,” “pecker bone,” and the ever-fashionable charm of “Love Bone.”
A Word To Animal Activists
The raccoon, or Procyon lotor in the United States, is considered by many to be a pest along the lines of rodents. Those who wear its penis bone, or baculum, and who practice its medicine are most definitely not of that defamatory opinion. To facilitate retaining its true intoxicating powers, a bone must be harvested from an undomesticated raccoon that met his maker in an honorable and respectable fashion. Which might mean having been a tasty nibble for a bobcat or a horned owl, but more habitually the mighty raccoon is felled by its focal predator: The Gas-Powered Vehicle. Daybreak, along the sides of most U.S. thoroughfares, is always the preferred time and place to gather a sizable crop of raccoon penis bones.
Now I could go back to more tales of the Raccoon Penis Bone, but that would be an injudicious action on my part. In the interest of self-sacrifice, I would most prefer you to go and purchase my book SARAH, which has more rollicking Penis Bone & Lot Lizard legends in the West Virginia wilds than you could shake an Oosik at.
How To Get Your Bones
You can order bones under “Accessories” HERE, using all major credit cards. Or you can send a check or money order made out to Doves Diner Inc. for $14.95 — or $15.95 for a bone signed by Laura Albert — to: Doves Diner Inc., Bone Administrator, 225 Hyde Street, Suite 111, San Francisco, CA 94102.